Family Projection Process
Posted by Isaac Butterworth | Filed under Bowen Theory
The greater the differentiation of self, the better a person is able to resist being overwhelmed by the emotional reactivity of her or his family (or any other group). Conversely, the undifferentiated self is more likely to get caught up in the existing fusion (or what may be called emotional “stucktogetherness”) of the family. Fusion becomes obvious in the four relationship patterns discussed in my previous post, entitled “The Nuclear Family Emotional System / Part Two.” Those four patterns are:
- triangling
- conflict
- distance
- overfunctioning / underfunctioning
According to Bowen family systems theory, two people marry at exactly the same level of differentiation. The impact of this reality on the children raised by the same two people is hardly negligible. While peers may influence children, studies have shown that parents rank highest in importance among factors that affect the choices and behaviors of children.
Sibling Position
Why, then, are children in the same family different from each other? Could it be sibling position? Without a doubt, sibling position in a family accounts for some degree of personality difference. Weaknesses, strengths, and even relationship tendencies may be shaped in our original family by the order in which we came into it. Each sibling experiences her or his family in different ways. The oldest can remember a time when she or he was the only child. The youngest cannot remember a time when there was no one older.
As important as sibling position is, however, it does not adequately account for differences in life functioning. A person in any position in the family (oldest, youngest, middle child) may or may not have a successful life course.
The Cornerstone Concept: Differentiation of Self
This brings us back to what Roberta M. Gilbert calls “the cornerstone concept” in Bowen theory, which is differentiation of self. A person’s level of self-differentiation makes for her or his success, or lack of it, in life. That level can be quite different among siblings in the same family. But exactly how does it happen that children in the same family vary as widely as they do in their ability to cope with life, realize potential, and reach their goals? In other words, why do they vary in their levels of differentiation?
“Child Focus:” The Triangle that Makes the Difference
In order to answer this question, we must return to the concept of triangles in relationship systems. In her book, The Eight Concepts of Bowen Theory, Dr. Gilbert discusses “the original triangle,” which is referred to as the “child focus.” She writes:
If one of two partners, say, the dad, comes home anxious after a bad day, how long does it take the mom to figure it out? …She knows immediately. And…she probably takes it on herself…. He transmits, and she takes on the anxiety instantly. Interestingly, as soon as she takes on the anxiety, he often calms down. Now, if one of the small children comes around Mom, he or she will take it on and the anxiety will end up in the child. Mom feels better. So now we have two calm parents, but an upset child. If this particular cycle happens often enough, with the anxiety ending up in the child, we have a triangle pattern” (The Eight Concepts of Bowen Theory, pp. 12f.).
Dr. Gilbert goes on to say that, if the family anxiety tends to settle in a child long and often enough, the child will develop a physical, mental, emotional, or social symptom. The onset of the symptom will add to the parents’ anxiety, and they will begin to worry about the child. The more they worry, the more anxious the child becomes. This intensifies the symptom, and a vicious cycle ensues. This pattern is called the “child focus.”
This worried focus, or “projection” of anxiety is how anxiety gets off-loaded to offspring. If the parents…
- worry excessively about their child or…
- react to an overload of anxiety by neglect or…
- focus on the child in an overly positive manner…
…they transmit — or project — that anxiety directly onto the child.
Variation in the Same Family
That’s just one child, though. What about the other children? Answer: The projection process is different for different children. Parents worry about or neglect or unrealistically adore some of their children more than others. Parents might say that some children “draw” more focus than others. What is interesting is that the focus may be overly negative (expressed in anger or worry), neglectful, or overly positive. The valence (positive or negative) doesn’t matter.
Thus, different children in the same family end up with differing amounts of inappropriate focus. A parent may react to her or his own anxiety by focusing worry, neglect, or admiration on a child and, thereby, transmit the anxiety, causing a fusion of selves. The greater the fusion, the lower the level of differentiation of self.
In a given family, one child may receive so much focus (anxiety) that other siblings are left a bit freer of the family emotional process. That is, they will receive less anxiety and are less fused into the family self-amalgam. They are less a part of the family emotional process.
At the same time, they do not cut off from it. They are in communication with it. They recognize the problems, and they, too, carry some of the spill over anxiety, just not as much of it as the child who receives the most focus. With less anxiety to deal with, they develop more basic self and tend to be better equipped to manage their lives.
A Blameless Process
Does Bowen theory blame parents for their children’s problems? It may seem that way, but that is not the case at all. The family projection process is not intentional; it is entirely automatic.
It is often the case, however, that, when parents learn about this concept, they modify their tendency to displace anxiety. This change has the potential of leading to quite positive results.
Not only is the family projection process automatic and out of awareness; it also has to do with the parents’ connection to the generations in their own families. They, too, were the recipients of parental anxiety, as were their parents before them. The process is too big in all our families to leave room for blame.
The observations made possible by Bowen theory are not meant for the purpose of condemnation. Instead, they make it possible for the present generation to have more choices than they otherwise might have had with regard to the part they play in the family. Thus, they leave a different legacy for their offspring.
Photo credit: Ducklings by Natascha
